“I need a January calendar.” “January?” I said. “Don’t you mean you need a 2022 calendar?” And then I got it. My patient had been on hospice for several months and was ready to die. She was frustrated at times because she felt her body was not cooperating with her. She had no intention of living any longer than one month into the new year. Hence, a January calendar. When I asked her about the idea of not seeing the rest of this year out, she was very nonchalant. A practical soul, she had been cleaning out her apartment and giving away everything she no longer needed. She had become very utilitarian and did not see the function of having the extra eleven months on a calendar which she did not expect to use.
It is a brave idea, is it not? A calendar on your wall with only 31 days. 31 days and nights to wrap up your life. How would you fill those days? Or would you?
One of the gifts of being a doula are all the teachers I have had. Every single patient teaches me. My patient provoked me to think about how I might help people with limited time, in other words, all of us. Having limited time happens to people all the time– they often do not, however, know that their time is so limited.
Here are some things to consider:
-What are the physical property items I no longer need and what is the best way to dispose of them? What needs to be kept and shared? What do I treasure?
By now, we have all heard that our heirs are not likely to want the antique furniture, the favorite dishes, or the stacks of books. This is quite different from previous generations when those items were a part of the legacy of the dying person. People did not have as many things, and they were also flexible about their décor, so they appreciated the items from someone they loved.
It is a gift to get rid of the extra material before one dies to make it easier for the family. There is a good reason that businesses have emerged which clean out grandma’s house and organizes and sells everything. No one wants to do this!
Some people consider selecting an individual gift for each person in their family. They tell the story of how they got it or why they loved it; it becomes a treasure, a true heirloom for the recipient.
In their book “A Beginners Guide to the End,” authors Dr. BJ Miller and Shoshana Burger suggest that you not only clean out your home’s attic but clean out your emotional attic, too: that includes taking care of secrets by talking about them before you die. This is much better than leaving it to your family to discover (and they probably will!) This will free your mourners from the “psychic” kind of grief of anger, betrayal, confusion and wondering. This too is a gift.
I have a personal “cleaner” for a little segment of my life. As a journal writer for more than 30 years, I was dedicated to telling the truth there. That means that I do not want my journals to be read when I die, and yet, I am just not ready to get rid of them. While that could change (I sometimes envision a giant bonfire!), I have a friend who is designated to take my journals and destroy them when I die.
-Are my legal affairs in order? Have I completed my health care directive? My will? Are the beneficiaries on my accounts up to date?
Yes, there’s paperwork even in dying.
When those documents are completed, it is essential to tell those closest to you what your preferences are. Affirming that these documents reflect your ultimate wishes can be extremely helpful when your loves ones are trying to implement them. It can take away the challenge of disagreements between those close to us when for example, someone is just positive that this is not what you would really want. Telling them beforehand is both comforting and can cut off broken and angry disagreements.
Think about legacy: is there a not for profit you would like to leave a portion of your money to? A scholarship you would like to start?
Is there a letter that you would like to write to a grandchild, a niece or nephew? They will love having this part of you!
Some people tell me that they do not know what to say to their loved ones who are dying. I say that whatever one wants to say is just the right thing. It is more important that we are with our loved ones than that we say anything at all. Sometimes, just being with them for a meal or to watch a favorite movie or TV show for one of the last times can be lovely. Keeping it simple works.
I tell my clients to consider who they would say these three statements to as they prepare to die:
“Thank you.”
“I forgive you.”
“I love you.”
And while we are at it, it is important to forgive ourselves as well.
We can learn to use the “muscle” of openness and vulnerability. It is best to begin to practice now. The calendar pages pass quickly.