Bearing Witness
It was a quiet afternoon at the Sunstone Cancer Healing Center in Tucson, a non-profit with a small staff charged with meeting the needs of cancer survivors and their caregivers. I was often the only person there and therefore, was asked to meet with a woman who had asked to speak to someone.
She said that she had just come from her doctor’s office where she had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She said that she was embarrassed to have this worst type of cancer, and that she was not likely to live very long. She also said that I would be the only person she would tell. At first, my inclination was to try to talk her out of this; however, for reasons I don’t quite understand, I stopped. It was her story and hers alone. My job was to listen, to bear witness to her and to support her. When she left, I did not expect to see her again, nor did I. She did leave me with a life lesson: I had been given a rare and precious gift in listening to her. I carry her story in my heart to this day.
When I began to explore what I wanted to do as my life’s work after retirement, the memory of this encounter came back to me. I had read an article about the “good death” movement in our country. This idea is fueled by boomers who consistently want and need to do life (and death) their way. It’s not the same as assisted suicide, it’s the idea that death should be mindful, should be focused on the person who is dying, not as a patient, but as a human and should be as planful as possible. This is known as “conscious dying”. It recognizes death as a human event, not a medical one.
As I began to explore, I learned about doulas for end of life. And I knew that this was my work. Much like doulas at the time of birth, doulas help people in the dying process. Doulas are not experts on death, but we have a comfort level of talking about it, approaching it, even touching it. It’s quite a contrast to leadership, and I like that difference. There is however, one similarity: it is person centered—missional—in that my job is to bear witness, to guide, and record and, in most cases, be present at the time of death. The dying person decides.
We all do only two things in life as humans: we are born, and we die. We are not very conscious for the birth, but in dying, we can be intentional in how we do it. When I think of the visitor years ago, I get it that this is what she was doing and I am very grateful that she raised the awareness in me that bearing witness, affirming that which is true, is a gift, it’s more than enough.