On March 13, I launched my doula for end of life practice in a presentation to more than 100 people at the Minnesota Social Service Association Conference. I was on my way! The next day, the entire state shut down. I was suddenly a doula in a pandemic. This nasty little virus has changed everything. Including the way in which we die.
In the film Grief Walker, healer Steven Jenkinson says that job of the dying is “to die extravagantly.” While we might think of how we want to die (for example, peacefully in our sleep, or with our loved ones surrounding us, pain free), it does not necessarily happen that way. But it can be rich and extravagant if we mindfully reflect and plan on those things we can control. My responsibility as a doula is to find the extravagance. That is sometimes hard to do, but it is in there.
Doula work is obviously very intimate. Over long conversations, we laugh and cry as we talk about the person’s life, their legacy, regrets, repairs, or lost loves as we plan for the end. I am learning how to do this at a distance. This is not my preference, but it is important that it be done. I worry for my client who has one wish: to have someone hold her hand as she dies. It is probably not going to be me. But because of our work together, others in her presence will know about this wish and they will fulfill it.