For about a year now, I’ve been learning about how to be a doula for end of life. (For a definition of what a doula for end of life is, go here: https://www.lantern.com/articles/what-is-a-death-doula?) My choice to do this work is centered in my life experiences and most recently, my doula training. As I apply what I’ve learned, the personal and the educational have become integrated together in ways that affirm repeatedly that this is what I should be doing at this stage of my life.
I learned how to be comfortable with dying from Roy. Roy and I had been together for 14 years and it was a dynamic, sometimes maddening relationship. Two strong willed people, we had a robust energy between us that included a passion for one another, a delightful commitment to learning together and a combination of abandonment issues and controlling personalities which made for some great fights. But so much changed when Roy was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. With a 4% survival rate, we knew there was not likely to be a lot of time. As it turned out, we had 3 and a half years.
This is some of what I learned during that time:
- Dying will kill intimacy unless you can name and face it. At one point, when I needed desperately to talk about Roy’s death and he could not, we had to agree that this was an off-limits topic. Luckily, we came back to it, which was such a relief–we needed to have that conversation.
- All bets are off when a person is dying. It will create an intimacy you cannot imagine. There is laughter in all the stories which must be told, weeping over grandchildren yet to be born, words not previously spoken, in the “gallows humor” about memorial services and which kid would want the weird tropical shirt. It’s healing for both the dying person and those who love them.
- An opportunity to reflect on one’s life and to name the legacies, the regrets and the unfinished business is a gift. It makes it easier to let go, and that is, after all, the work of dying. Letting go.
- After years of expecting that the cancer would come back and Roy would die in my arms, it didn’t happen that way at all. Roy died thousands of miles away of a heart attack. I was angry at him for years for that! With death and dying, one must expect the unexpected.
As I continue to explore these questions, I hope that you will join me. I welcome your feedback and comments.