“I’m 87?” He was astonished to hear this, having been told that his birthday had been two days earlier. “People die when they are 87!”. My former patient with advanced Alzheimer’s, had found the word “die” in his vocabulary. This was fascinating as he (and many of us) live in a world where the word “dying”, or “death” is not used. We use many other descriptions of death in our culture, and I was surprised that he used this specific word. I was proud of him!
Some of those euphemisms include:
- “Bought the farm” (a term which refers to a military disaster, being killed in action. The death benefits from the deceased were often enough to pay off the mortgage of the home farm)
- Kick the bucket (originally referred to those who died by suicide and hanging, standing on a bucket)
- Pass away (from the 1400s when most people believed that when a person died, their soul moved to an afterlife)
- Transitioned (refers to moving from one phase to another. In my doula work, we typically use this to refer to the active dying stage which can take from 3 to 5 days. The transition from life to death).
- Went to his/her maker
- Went to heaven/went home
Death. Dying.
Some think that those words are too harsh. And yes, death is harsh as it means the people we love and care for are no longer in this world. Is it not preferable to use the words that reflect the harsh reality of what is happening?
I have had families of clients who refused to tell their loved ones they were in hospice and therefore were dying. The rationale is often based out of a protective notion of being loving; that their loved ones can’t handle the truth. As a doula with the value of being client centered, I respect those wishes and I also struggle with them. Being aware of death coming is a gift. It gives the opportunity for forgiveness of self and others, for peace, for legacy. Even in the case of a person with dementia, it’s an opportunity for ritual, for others to honor and accompany the person as they die.
Words matter; we teach children the names of their body parts because we want them to be knowledgeable; by calling parts of the body what they are, we make the body real and authentic and priceless. Kids get this, they can say the most “difficult” words without a problem.
Perhaps we need to think about this as it relates to death as well. When we say someone dies, we are honoring the weight of that significant event. We are saying that a life has ended. We are helping ourselves and each other to prepare for the grief work which must be done. We are saying that the world is forever changed by the death of that person, uniquely precious and the only one in the universe. To do less doesn’t seem quite right.